Invisible & Silent

The song Invisible & Silent by Covenant does a wonderful job of conveying the emotion that I tried to express in my previous post. I couldn’t find a good live video of the song on YouTube — there were a few, but the sound is terrible. The video I’m posting has fake sound: it’s a live video with the Northern Light album version playing over it.

I’m sorry for failing to post anything interesting here lately. Basically, I’ve been completely occupied with organizing a bridge tournament, doing math, and worrying about this girl. I’m a bit annoyed at myself for this. I’ll see if I can explain why; maybe it would give some insight about why people like each other or something.

I don’t really know her. Why should I have strong emotions about somebody that I don’t really know? Especially since I’m not emotionally attracted to girls based on their appearance. (Actually, I’m an extremely lucky guy in that after I get to know a girl, whether I think of her as attractive is highly influenced by my opinion of her personality. So if I like a girl “for who she is”, I automatically think she’s much prettier than I would if I just saw a picture of her without knowing her.) But now there is this girl whom I hardly know, and I am thinking about her a lot and I’m stressing about whether I have any chance with her.

Let’s go over what I know about her (minus some personal details which would possibly identify her). She’s a grad student in chemistry. She’s from China. She’s learning how to play bridge. THIS IS SERIOUSLY ALL I KNOW ABOUT HER. I don’t know anything about her interests outside of bridge — she told me what she’s researching now but she said she’s not particularly interested in it and is just doing it because her advisor made her (advisors do that kind of crap sometimes — I got lucky, my advisor lets me do whatever I want).
I never see her outside of the bridge class and bridge club meetings. I just don’t know her.

I think it’s because the first few times that she came to bridge club, I was feeling very depressed, and she was very cheerful. Maybe my subconscious just viewed her as a sort of counterweight to my depression and was attracted to her for that reason. I guess this isn’t completely a bad reason to be attracted to someone (because she is a cheery person, why not?), but I question whether I would have found her attractive if I hadn’t been depressed those evenings. Who can know? But now even though I doubt that she would have any interest in me, I can’t get rid of this emotion about her.

I don’t really know what to do about it. I haven’t managed to convince myself to stop liking her. What lesson should I take from this Covenant song? I shouldn’t entertain any hope? Am I tricked by her smile? It’s not worthwhile to fight for this illusion? But could I forgive myself for failing to even try? If I ask her and she rejects me, at least I know that I didn’t throw away anything on account of my fear of embarrassment.

But it’s not really just fear of embarrassment that deters me. It’s also that I’m afraid of what effect it will have on our relationship if I bring this up. Would she still be willing to talk to me, be friends with me? Would she still come to Bridge Club? It might be awkward. Why is there so much social tension surrounding courting?

Anyway I’m inclined to follow the song. I’m not an attractive person. I have nothing to offer. I have nothing but a sharp mind for solving problems. She’d have no reason to want a relationship with me. I am only able to help people in material ways, and so I will be repaid in kind. It’s about time I get used to this.

Kind of depressing, though. Seriously, material existence isn’t enough for a fulfilling life. I’d probably kill myself if it weren’t for how much that would hurt my mother. Who cares if I could easily be a “successful” person? So what if I could have a six figure salary right out of school? Then I can sit in my apartment at night alone and — do what? Eat expensive food? Drown my loneliness in expensive liquor? Watch porn on an expensive TV? These things won’t make me happy. Or I could use my money to try to help people. Maybe a bit more rewarding, but still, I don’t think I can accept that the sole purpose of my life is to play the economic role of Robin Hood. Get paid a lot by rich people and redistribute the money to the poor? Nothing wrong with it, in a moral sense, but it seems like such an empty life.

Maybe if my mom remarries she’d be able to handle it.